Waldeinsamkeit -

- "a longing for a reality other than ones own."

Often simplified down to to the definition based on the book Walden by Henry David Thoreau, 1854, the term was actually coined in the 1700's with "a forest solitude" listed as secondary definition according to the encyclopedia of literature.

Found in the days before internet became a prevalent medium in my life when I spent entire days in libraries and bookstores reading and turning actual physical paper pages researching everything from paganism to art to the meaning of life.

It was a random page flip. Searching for a title for the book I attempted to write and the term rang so loudly throughout my entire being and 16 years later still rings true to my core. It brought a sense of peace to my existence that quashed the flame of anger with realizations so profound I would spend an entire decade trying to articulate; unsuccessfully to this day.

As a human being, and with no means to alter that fact the best I could do was to embrace the philosophy that best defined the dynamic perspective of life and purpose and it turned out the easiest thing to do after years of searching was to allow myself to understand the core purpose of my existence. The age old, "Why am I here?" Simple. I am here... to be. I exist to exist and everything else during that existence is (in)consequential. We can make our fate as we see fit but understanding that every 'where' that you are and every one you interact with is a necessary step in what's to come and makes the shaping of our lives that much more fluid. Releasing control begets control.

Being in a rut of existence for some time now, living in a reality that does not feel like my own can create a stagnation so deeply rooted that, to a lesser mind, would signal a permanence of decline brought on by the uncontrollable happenings of everything external. The victim is such an easy role to be lost in as a human being and even easier to forget that at the core of existence we are just humans... being.

Adding a purpose to that being, pre-defining your existence can sometimes make this life so much more difficult as with great focus to a specific end will sometimes simultaneously create tunneled perspective so limiting that you miss out on interactions that would be necessary to your very being.

Playing the victim of life will almost guarantee you remain the victim of life and become stuck in the perspective that things bare happening to you because of some specific reason of negative proportions but being a human, understanding that life is energy and energy is inherently neutral, things do not happen to YOU. You simply experience happenings and your inability to learn and grow from those experiences is no ones fault but your own.

I met a goddess recently. A force of energy so profound and compelling, wrapped tightly in a beauty just as profound. The internal struggle that arose from this meeting is heart wrenching. You meet these rare creatures and sometimes it's hard to realize they are not for you. It is the highest hurdle to overcome but if approached cautiously, leaving behind conventional expectation, there is a light to be gained. An understanding so deep that to articulate it with such limited language would dissipate the magik, power and overall effect this person could have over you, just and trying to contain it for yourself would.

The internal battle rages between the enlightened part of my mind and the part overwhelmed with selfish desire. I am constantly reminded that  this meeting, on the surface, is nothing more than two people connecting, sharing and just being. On the surface my perspective is my own and while it may only be something meaningful and special in my own mind it does not negate the effect she has had on me and it reminds me of the purpose I have given to my own life; To create such an esoteric experience that you become a welcome permanence of influence or memory in another.

I look at you and I know you. I may not understand you nor would I try to define or interpret you but I 'see' you and you remind me of home. It distills.

I wrote something to help me remember these things when my human side refuses to let me see and while these things may be melodramatic, over-reactive and purely delusional, they are my own perspective through a lens of feeling that is my own and only has to matter to me.

I am.
Who I was the other day, last week and the week before, saw a me that tomorrow shall never see. On battered wings I fly and on broken legs I crawl toward that moment in time that still calls to me from every direction.

I have seen and I have known.
These horrors and the beauty within as well as the horror that lie not so deep within the beauty.

I have loved once.
And again. And still I know that I will love again as though it were the first time I ever did feel.

I move.
Throughout this space and time with every passing of that star that warms your blood and mine.

I exist.
Within the here and now I perceive nothing more and nothing less that what I am with every passing moment.

I choose.
To leave behind that which has come and gone, make great strides to not dwell upon that which has dwelt upon you.

I see.
Many paths are laid out before me and only the dim light of my possibility casts a shadow over every direction.

I will.
Always step before the light breaks the dark for my warmth is enough to keep me safe in these shadows; That place I crawled out from on broken legs. The dim light of possibility is where I find my wings may still move, though battered they may be, I persevere toward the thought, the idea of what is to come at the brighter end of my possibility.

I stand, always.
On two feet with my head held high above all else regardless of its current state of being.

I fall.
As the waves do crash to pieces I choose to not fall softly. I retract and re-form, embrace all this within me and lift myself up from the depths with nothing more than the weight of the world pushing and pulling as it moves through circles clinging to the warmth of that star.

And in the end.
I find I can fly, with no wings to hinder my way, I will land, and with no legs to break my fall I will love... with all the warmth of that star that holds a planet in place, always in sight even in the dark.

And even if I forget and fall again,
I will always know that,
Once upon a time...